Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
