My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
