the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house