Your face is a jimmy john
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
