Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
