Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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