Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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