these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
