So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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