A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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