First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
