she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
