Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
