I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
