My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
