I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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