take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
