Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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