this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
