apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
