I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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