Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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