i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
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You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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