if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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