My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
