The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
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