i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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