Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
