im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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