my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
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I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
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I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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