my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
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As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
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For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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