I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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