You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
