new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
