I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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