she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
