8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
