So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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