my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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