I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
