any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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