I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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