Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Randomize
