I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
