I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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