I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
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Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
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ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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