it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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