She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
be right there i have to get my cape
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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