The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
