Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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