you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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