My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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