we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
